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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26536426">In that hollow part of your chest</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallvictories/pseuds/smallvictories'>smallvictories</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Better Call Saul (TV), Breaking Bad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:22:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>673</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26536426</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallvictories/pseuds/smallvictories</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Mike is lost in his thoughts while he pushes Kaylee on a swing in the park.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Mike Ehrmantraut &amp; Kaylee Ehrmantraut, Mike Ehrmantraut &amp; Matty Ehrmantraut, Mike Ehrmantraut &amp; Stacey Ehrmantraut</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>In that hollow part of your chest</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Grief, I've learned</em>
</p><p>
  <em>is really just love.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It's all the love you want to give,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>but cannot.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All of that unspent love gathers up</em>
</p><p>
  <em>in the corners of your eyes,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>the lump in your throat,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>and in that hollow part of your chest.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Grief is just love with no place to go.</em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>There's not much he likes about Albuquerque. It's a lot hotter and drier than he’s used to, but there are some advantages. For one, he's anonymous, and that's important. For another, he gets to spend some time with Kaylee.</p><p>He tries to act casual and not impose himself on Stacey too much. He doesn't want to overwhelm her with his presence. She's told him before tearfully about things he does without thinking, habits and mannerisms, that remind her of Matty. Little things, like rubbing his thumb against his coffee mug where the handle meets the base while he's thinking of what to say next. She smiles and tells him it's nice to feel like a part of Matty is still around, but she may as well be driving a knife into his heart. Now when they have coffee together, he balls his hands into fists under the table between sips and hopes that nothing he says or does reminds her.</p><p>Once, while he was reading a book to Kaylee, a smile broke out on his face without him realizing, and Stacey told him how much Matty looked like him. Since then, he tries not to smile too much when she's looking. He's not sure if she sees how much she hurts him when she shares this stuff, but then again, can he really blame her? She's in mourning, and she wouldn't be in it if it wasn't for him.</p><p>He would be with Kaylee all the time if it were possible, but when Stacey offers him her third bedroom (very small, but more than enough for him), he turns her down without hesitation. As much as he loves Stacey and Kaylee, he can't handle seeing them every day. It's a funny thing, being reminded of Matty. He hungers for it and he despises it. Mostly, he despises himself.</p><p>Sometimes, he dreams of the first time he held Matty in his arms. A tiny, wrinkled creature, warm and red. He could almost fit in one hand. He remembers being filled with doubt and fear. He remembers realizing, many years later, that he was right to doubt himself.</p><p>Sometimes, he dreams of the last time he held Matty in his arms. Large (much taller than him, the boy grew like a weed), cold and grey, on a metal table in the morgue downtown, with two holes in his chest. He holds on tight and it's only when hands begin to pull him away from the table, away from his boy, that he realizes he’s screaming.</p><p>Sometimes, he dreams of things that haven't happened. Stacey's house is broken into and the intruders kill her and Kaylee. He watches, completely useless and immobile while the scene plays out in front of him. After one of those, he’ll spend up to a whole week staking out the house every night, watching for any sign of trouble. He doesn't like to think about how often he drifts off on those stakeouts, in spite of all the coffee he drinks.</p><p>He pushes Kaylee on the swing, and he tries to put these thoughts out of his mind. He would rather enjoy the present moment. The sun is bright, and Kaylee’s laughter rings in his ears. He smiles and pushes harder, obeying her command to go higher. He backs out of the path of the swing to stifle a yawn and tells her it's time to go home. A tiny hand grabs his fingers and for a moment, he's gone back thirty years, and he has Matty back, a child not yet corrupted by reality. Someone who still thinks he hangs the moon and the stars. He smiles wistfully down at Kaylee and leads her back to the car.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The opening quote is from author Jamie Anderson.</p><p>Thanks for reading 🥰 Kudos and comments appreciated.</p><p>Check out <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmallVictories/profile">my profile</a>.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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